my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
