I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
