I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
