I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
