Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
