cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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