I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
