remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
