i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
