Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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