I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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