nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
