so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
