Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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