i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she peed on how many people?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
