Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
