So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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