Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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