I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
