I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
