there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
