I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
