Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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