this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
