we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
