Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
