I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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