im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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