He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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