The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
