we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
