i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
