you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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