he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
