I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
