how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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