Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
In America we eat man semen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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