She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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