So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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