tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
