she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
