I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
