Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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