I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Green mimosas i think yes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
