Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
