she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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