Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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