i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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