What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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