dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
